Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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