I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
