You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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