Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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