I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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