So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
