I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
