Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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