He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
