she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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