In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize