So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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