No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
