Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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