I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
