when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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