please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
