wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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