I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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