I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
