What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
