I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
