she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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