So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
