i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
