two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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