I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
