Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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