You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
