I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
