For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
