Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
