I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize