somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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