i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
