he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
