I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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