hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
