I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
