Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
