who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
