Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
