I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And then the night went full on bisexual.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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