I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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