i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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