So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
