I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
