Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Even my vagina gasped.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
