What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
