his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
