wrigley field is MILF paradise
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
We got so high we made milksteak
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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