Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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