Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
