Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I seem to have left my pride at pride
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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