Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
