I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
