You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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