we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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